Sunday, March 03, 2013

I Stopped

"It never occurred to me to leave everything behind for good. I have to be in a different world, in a place far away from you, but my heart knew, I will be back to you". - Mornyt


I was in the height of excitement to write about so many things and share my thoughts after that blog awards. Or I thought so...
Because subconsciously, there was a loophole of emptiness.
I’m starting to feel indifferent.
Everything became a regular cycle of work-home-work-home.  Every bedtime is a moment of hope that tomorrow may be a day near, if not the “one day” I am waiting for.
But, the dead-end question is “What is that “one day” I am waiting for?”. (sigh!)
I woke-up one morning in tears, the last night’s dream felt so real (perhaps a premonition on that “one day”). The word that I’m most dreadful to say, I said.
It was a nightmare.
I was caught up in between my stubbornness to move on and eagerness to start anew. Where is the starting line?

Acceptance.

I will not defend myself for giving (wasting) my time in hoping that there'll be a fairytale to tell. Neither I will defend myself for being numb.
There is so much things to do but too much carelessness.
I literally stopped.
Writing is one thing I so love to do, but I stopped.
Reaching out is my way of keeping the friendship, but I stopped.
I knew I won’t give up on trying, but I stopped.
And I stopped making a fool out of myself.
At some stage, I have to be so numb to teach myself a lesson.
Inside me is a growing monster of impatience.
I want results from my hardwork.
I want answers to my questions.
I want my prayers to be granted.
And I want it all right away. Right away!
Brat!
The rush this new age is dictating us is madness.
And there’s no one to turn to other than the sanity I found in my silence.
It was daunting.
I have to silence my mind, there’s so much going on in there.
I have to silence my heart, there’s so much emotions being kept inside.
Pulling myself away from the cyberworld, made me realize how much I missed in life.

Live.

And live with the fact that there are a lot of things that I have no control of. And things that I cannot change. And things that are meant to be just as it is. And that no matter how much I tried, the only consolation I will get is that at least I’ve tried. No regrets.

...But I knew I have to be back.
And yes! I’m back.